For the last two week we’ve been trying to sell our b2b saas software to Microsoft. It’s absolute fucking cinema.

And by selling I mean… It’s them who really want to buy it, and we can’t be arsed. Let me show you how selling your software to a big corporation works.

(all names changed hehe)

BigCorp: “Hello, we’d like to buy an on-premise version of your product”

Me: “Cool, here’s a purchase link”

BigCorp: “Mmmmmmm no, we can’t just do things like that. How about something more complicated: give us a “proforma invoice”, we’ll make a purchase order, then you send us the W9 form, then we’ll make an audit…”

Me: whoa whoa whoa gimme 5 secs

(Went to google what the hell is a «proforma invoice» and «purchase order»)

BigCorp (in a week): “Wassup?”

Me (fuck I completely forgot): “Ok folks here’s another link, it allows you to buy through your “purchase order” in two clicks. You can even pay with a bank transfer, a check, whatever”

BigCorp: “Give us a second”

BigCorp (another employee): “Hello, we’d like to buy an on-premise version of your product”

Me: fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

BigCorp: “We still need your W9 and W8-Ben, and then… We’ll have to do a SECURITY AUDIT for your product. It’s a very important SECURITY AUDIT”

Me: “Sure, whatever, here’s the service URL, go and fuck around however you wish”

BigCorp: “Mmmmmmm no, we can’t just do things like that. How about something more complicated: we’ll give you our internal VENDOR COMMUNICATION SYSTEM. You’ll need to fill out a 18 page questionnaire and…”

Me: you fucking wot?

Our CTO responding in slack: “Lmaooo I already filled this bullshit”

Me (in slack): “What do you mean already filled?”

CTO (in slack): “Dude, they’ve already bought this thing three separate times man”

Me: “Dear BigCorp, fucking why you’re already our client! We’ve already filled everything, here’s the contact email: mike-from-another-division at bigcorp, go and ask him the details”

BigCorp disappears to think about this

BigCorp (in a week): “It was a slightly different questionnaire. And we can’t contact Mike. Anyway, you need to fill out a …”

Me: grumble grumble piece of shit grumble

BigCorp: “… and register in the VENDOR COMMUNICATION SYSTEM, then install a CERTIFIED 2FA GENERATOR, and then …”

Me (in a week): “Here, I filled out everything”

BigCorp: “But you left half the fields blank!”

Me: “Yes, I’m sick of it”

BigCorp: “Ok, whatever. Alright, we’re going to start our SECURITY AUDIT. The results will be available in the VENDOR COMMU..”

Me: “Yeah sure kiss my balls”

BigCorp (in a week): “You’ve completed the SECURITY AUDIT. We’ve identified a critical VULNERABILITY that needs to be fixed as soon as possible. Please let us know the timeline, sign a commitment letter, then provide the screenshots of the fix, then…”

Me: “What’s the vuln?”

BigCorp: “It’s very important and critical vulnerability. Give us a second, we’ll fetch the pentester…”

Dharmesh Kumar (the pentester): “They’re lacking the X-Frame-Options header”

BigCorp: “Exactly, you’re lacking the thing called a header..”

CTO (in slack): “omfg”

Me: “You’re buying the on-premises version of the product, you can set whatever headers you want on your nginx or traefic or whatever. We’ve specifically removed them all because the clients use the software in different ways, including inside an iframe”

BigCorp: “Wait wait you must not tell such sensitive information over email! Please write your response in the VENDOR COMMU..”

Me (in the Communication System): “Unfortunately the plan you selected does not include custom development or legal support. Here’s a link to the «Mega-Enterprise» plan that costs $100k a day. Thank you”

Translated with joy from https://t.me/devfounder/63